I am Choosing

This layout appeared in the July/August 2009 issue of Memory Makers Magazine (yes, I am sad that the magazine is closing shop). The theme is speaking volumes to me right now. I have faced so much sadness the past month. My heart breaks for my sister and Jimmy and James. But, lately something beside sadness has been nagging to get in. There is a need for me to look for the positives--to open myself to the lessons in all of this. My sister is beginning to feel this too. When we talk, she is focusing on what the tradegy has HELPED create. I hear her laugh and know that she is on the same path.

I can choose. Take a deep breath and think about the other side of sadness. So, here is what I have learned in the past few weeks:

1. I love my sisters with all of my heart and soul. My need to protect them and lift them up is greater than I imagined. See, we are 10 and 8 years apart, with me being the oldest. I never bonded with them as friends. But now, I have. I thank God for that.

2. There are amazing people in this world. The nurses who cried right along with us all week. I was so moved by them and their generous spirits. An organization known as Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep provided my sister and Jimmy with a professional photographer, free of charge, to take bearevement photos. To have a record of James, pure and peaceful has been powerful. Michelle and Jimmy just met with a news reporter about this organization. Now, maybe their willingness to use such an organization will bring someone else direction and comfort one day. If you are ever in the donating mood, please consider this organization.

3. I had to learn to open my heart during all of this. To realize that I am not in control. That sometimes you just need blind faith and have to put things in the hands of others as you surrender to all possibilities.

4. I have learned to hug. I WAS NOT a hugger--too much hurt in life caused me to close myself off. But I needed to hold and be held during my family's struggle. I grieved in the arms of my mother and cried as I held my sister's hands. People want to give hugs to offer comfort and I have taken them. And will continue to. Now, I understand what the appeal is.

5. I have seen and held an angel. Witnessed beauty and the hope of what could have been. It wasn't, but I know now that I need to look forward to life with all of that hope.

Whew.

I wish things were different.
But they are not.
There are other ways to look at it. There are gifts. I guess if I don't believe it that, then what will I believe in...

Thank you James.