Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I am Choosing



This layout appeared in the July/August 2009 issue of Memory Makers Magazine (yes, I am sad that the magazine is closing shop). The theme is speaking volumes to me right now. I have faced so much sadness the past month. My heart breaks for my sister and Jimmy and James. But, lately something beside sadness has been nagging to get in. There is a need for me to look for the positives--to open myself to the lessons in all of this. My sister is beginning to feel this too. When we talk, she is focusing on what the tradegy has HELPED create. I hear her laugh and know that she is on the same path.

I can choose. Take a deep breath and think about the other side of sadness. So, here is what I have learned in the past few weeks:

1. I love my sisters with all of my heart and soul. My need to protect them and lift them up is greater than I imagined. See, we are 10 and 8 years apart, with me being the oldest. I never bonded with them as friends. But now, I have. I thank God for that.

2. There are amazing people in this world. The nurses who cried right along with us all week. I was so moved by them and their generous spirits. An organization known as Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep provided my sister and Jimmy with a professional photographer, free of charge, to take bearevement photos. To have a record of James, pure and peaceful has been powerful. Michelle and Jimmy just met with a news reporter about this organization. Now, maybe their willingness to use such an organization will bring someone else direction and comfort one day. If you are ever in the donating mood, please consider this organization.

3. I had to learn to open my heart during all of this. To realize that I am not in control. That sometimes you just need blind faith and have to put things in the hands of others as you surrender to all possibilities.

4. I have learned to hug. I WAS NOT a hugger--too much hurt in life caused me to close myself off. But I needed to hold and be held during my family's struggle. I grieved in the arms of my mother and cried as I held my sister's hands. People want to give hugs to offer comfort and I have taken them. And will continue to. Now, I understand what the appeal is.

5. I have seen and held an angel. Witnessed beauty and the hope of what could have been. It wasn't, but I know now that I need to look forward to life with all of that hope.

Whew.

I wish things were different.
But they are not.
There are other ways to look at it. There are gifts. I guess if I don't believe it that, then what will I believe in...

Thank you James.

15 comments:

  1. Please, continue to hang in there! I saw that layout in the magazine and recognized the photos and you of course :) Hang in there and prayers to you and your family!

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  2. Stacey, I am constantly amazed at the depth of your strength! That you can put into words such thoughts is really amazing. Glad that you and your family are starting to heal.

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  3. I saw this layout & the other one when reading the magazine & they both were stand outs. It's amazing how it is appropriate for this situation you are going thru. You sure are one strong cookie & all the past hurt has helped to prepare you to help your sister now & continue to grow. I'm praying for you & your family.

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  4. Stace~ well said. I never tire of hearing (or reading) how you put your thoughts into words. You really do have a special gift! Now you better get ready for some big hugs on GN!!!! Love you, my friend!

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  5. My hugs are with you girl, what a wonderful sister you are to be there for your family when they needed you. So sorry for your loss.

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  6. oh my goodness...your family has been thru so much. wonderful layout and please know that you and your family are in my thoughts during this difficult time.....hang in there...

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  7. Stacy- sharing all this is a gift to us! It is good to be reminded of these things and I know it makes me remember to just breath and hold close the ones I love. My prayers are still with you all!! Hugs-Kim

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  8. What a wonderful layout and post. So glad you can look beyond the pain and hurt right now.

    Also, I know your blog is called It's Just Paper, but it really isn't! Your pages are always full of so much love, joy and emotion. It is so much more than just paper. That's what scrapping should be like. Thanks for sharing with us!

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  9. Thank you for sharing this with us Stacy and it has been an unbearable time for you and your family!!! SO amazed reading the positives that you have been able to process from this loss!!!! I commend you for the hard work that you are doing!!!!! Remain positive and continue to take care of your family and yourself!!! We have have really had some tough times these past months and I am searching for the reasoning behind them...you have taken me and guided me by this post!!!! Sending prayers and hugs to you today!!!

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  10. I saw that layout in the magazine...great one, and very touching thoughts on this post...hugs and prayers continuing for your and your family...

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  11. i think that is pretty amazing. you have an amazing strength and so does your family

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  12. Stacey. My tears are puring down my chins right now. I'm so filled with grieve for you and your family. But I'm also happy that you all can find the good in things. Wish I was there to hug you. ♥

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  13. Girl, you brought tears to my eyes as I read that. Everything you wrote, I believe too. Of course, it's easy to say that until you are actually in those shoes, and I commend you and admire you for choosing to look to hope, and the other side of sadness. I've heard of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and i'm glad your sister and jimmy were able to benefit from their services - what a gift. And i'm especially glad that you've learned to like hugs - I am a hugger myself, and there is definitely power and beauty in being held in someone else's arms! Continuing to pray for your family, and thinking about you lots! P.S. Love the LO too ;-)

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  14. you are so strong ... wish I could hug you ... someday ...

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  15. absolutely beautiful Stacey. Such moving words.

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